Good things happen...sometimes.

Lots of updates this time...

Well, first, a kitchen update. We got the rest of the stuff (meaning: the cabinets, hardware, counter top, and plumbing stuff) to do it on Sunday. DH demolished the previous cabinets Sunday night. He worked all day Monday, but did some work on it Monday night...put the new cabinets together, basically. Tuesday, he was off...and he knocked out most of it: got the cabinets installed, cut the counter top to size, cut the holes in teh cabinet for the plumbing work...but nothing on the counter. He saved that til this morning (Wednesday, if you were unsure of what day it is), when he did the holes for the faucet and sink, siliconed everything including the cats, and started to hook up the plumbing. Until he broke something. So back to Home Depot he went...on his way to work. So we have been without a kitchen sink (or a kitchen, really) for 3 full days now. I'm hoping the hook ups go fast tonight...I'd really like coffee in the morning, and not out of the bathroom faucet. Ew. I know the water doesn't come from the toilet or anything like that, but I just won't use bathroom faucet water too cook/drink with. I know. I'm weird. We've already established this.

So that's the kitchen. While we were at Ikea, they had snap-in wood floor for 12.99 a box. It works out to .45 a sq. ft. SCORE. We have been talking about doing wood floors in the living room FOR. EVER. since our moron former landlord laid the new carpet over the old...while the old was still damp from steam cleaning. But we didn't want to break the bank to do it, and we had more important stuff sometimes (pesky bills)...but that price? Yeah...not passing that up. So on my way home tonight, I have to pick up the 12 boxes of flooring. I went by yesterday, but they had it all up high and wouldn't get it down for me. Grr. So I paid for it and they were going to pull it last night and I will just pull right up and load it when I get off work tonight. This will probably be a project for next week. My mom is going to be AMAZED when they come in August. They were just here in May, and we haven't told them what all we are doing.

Ok...other than home improvements, MORE good news: I *FINALLY* got my promotion. Yup. The job I applied for in April finally went through. And it's mine...as of Aug 1. Nothing like government HR departments (state run university and all...makes me a state employee). I'm hoping they can actually get the paperwork through sooner. But not holding my breath.

Ok...what else? Hmmm...Ummm...let's see. The scale hasn't budged. At all. Now, I am PMSing...or, was. Until TOM decided to "bless" me with his presence. But that does usually add some weight. I've had it be as much as 6 pounds a couple times (yeah, because even my cow of a self doesn't eat THAT much in 2 days, and that is how fast the scale has moved up), but I'm just not feeling it lately. I've still been listening to my body. Hell, the last couple days, I've even been taking the stairs the 2 floors up at work! Go me! Of course, with TOM around, I haven't been swimming. But I'm seriously considering the lap band surgery. Really, the only thing stopping me right now is insurance. If I can get that covered, I'm there. I know...goes against everything IE. But I think IE will actually help me be successful with that surgery, since I will need to know how to tell when I'm full. But I still have 75 pounds to lose...and IE just isn't going very fast. I know...if you've read it, it's not supposed to be fast. It's a process, and the losses look like the stock market ticker...up and down, but overall, down. I really do get this. I just don't think I can handle staying this size. I know I won't be doing it before Disney, regardless of what I decide, so I will see how the next month or so goes. Then, make an appointment with my doctor to see about my insurance coverage. With my family history, I really would think it would be deemed "medically necessary." I mean, it was for 3 of my aunts, and my grandmother. And I have not only parents with diabetes, but grandparents...and I have my lovely diagnoses of "Infertile"...even though I still don't think it was me that wasn't, I still have the diagnosis. I really have no reason why I DON'T want to try it.

Well, maybe because surgery isn't something you just TRY. Poor phrasing. If I go as far as to have surgery, I will DO it. And succeed. That might be the only thing stopping me. I succeeded once. At least partially. But I gave up SO much...I still cry when I think about it...and the things I did then just don't fit into my life now. Could I force them to fit? Maybe. But I would be miserable. I was then. Obsessing over food is no way to live. Take this blog post. Kate, honey, I love you more than life itself, but how much fun are you having? I know...in this instance, the end justifies the means...and getting your babies back is more important than a temporary unhappiness. I get it. But when I was on WW, I was like that all the time. Oh, sure. "You can eat anything you want on WW. It's about portion control." Sure. And exercising to bank points. And starving yourself for the rest of the day (or subsisting on cucumber slices and baby carrots with FF Italian dressing, if you were REALLY hungry...and maybe even some SF jello)...but god forbid you should eat something that will actually fill you up if you are planning to have some birthday cake. It's all over then. Because you've already blown it, so you might as well enjoy it. Right? But tomorrow...it's back on the wagon. But tomorrow, you are detoxing...and everyone knows you are hungrier the day after a binge...so again, you go hungry all day. "But, they have Core now. You can eat whenever you are hungry!" Sure you can. As long as it's from a specific list of foods. And you have packed enough of said foods for your lunch that you can snack throughout the day and not run out.

Really, I used some of what I learned at WW to help me with IE. Core taught me to recognize my hunger signals. Flex taught me...well, not much really. Ok. That's not true. Flex taught me a lot about nutrition, believe it or not. I learned I can't tell the difference between skim and whole milk. Same with cheese. And I like couscous. Well, actually, that was a Core lesson. But it carried over when I went back to Flex. So the hundreds of dollars I spent was worth SOMETHING. But do I think I could do it again? Nope. I don't have it in me anymore. I recognize my faults now. And one thing I also learned: You can lose weight eating all fast food, but it won't stay off.

The voices in my head told me to.

No, not murder my sister-in-law. Though, I would listen if they did. And I don't mean good sister-in-law with my snuggly nephew. I mean the evil, holier-than-thou, bitchy one. I keep hoping they walk over here JUST so I can tell them to get out of my house. I'm a horrible person sometimes. But she deserves it. I'll tell that story sometime. Today's blog actually has a purpose. And it's not to prove I'm insane. I'm actually on topic today...we are going to talk about IE.

So, I was reading my book again yesterday, and it was talking about the destructive and constructive messages we all think to ourselves that help and hurt our eating behaviors. This rule is to "Challenge the Food Police" and defend your personal barriers. So how are these the voices in my head? Well, if you have ever been on a diet, as I'm positive most of you have, because, well, I've never met anyone who hasn't had SOME kind of food issues (there is ONE person I know who instead of trying to lose weight, she had trouble gaining...but that's another story). What was I saying? Oh...yeah...if you have ever been on a diet, you know that you have that nagging voice in your head that chastises your choices and cravings at every turn. Hell...I've had days where I "yelled" at myself for too many baby carrots. Yes, it's true. Well, it was more the FF Italian Dressing I was eating with them...but the dressing alone is pretty boring, so I kept eating carrots. And don't even ASK about the guilt over a cookie or brownie. Oh. My. God.

What is a fat girl to do, though? You can't help the cravings. Well, IE says...you not only shouldn't STOP the cravings (because you can't...end of story. It's not possible. Biology is too ingrained.), you should EMBRACE your cravings. We've covered this, though. Honor your hunger, make peace with food and all that jazz (gee, thanks, Kate. I *still* have that song in my head). But HOW do you turn off the guilt? Well, you have to start talking to yourself. When your brain tells you "You don't deserve that piece of cake. You need to lose weight. And if you eat that one piece, you won't stop until it's gone, so you can't trust yourself" it's time to talk back...and remind yourself that, yes, you CAN stop when you are satisfied. The cake will be there later...and you can have more! WHENEVER you want it.

But...I said voiceS...plural. Not just one. So, which others are there? We also have the Diet Rebel...this is the loudest one for me. The one that, when someone tells me I need to lose weight, or I should go to the gym (hint, hint, DH...) or I shouldn't eat my cake that I slaved over for MINUTES making (ok...fine. I hardly slaved over it), all of those things cause me to say "Fuck you. You can't tell me what to do." Ok...the book actually calls it "forget you eating," but I prefer to speak in terms that I would actually use. Sorry for offending, but you get the point. And when I say "Eff You!" I do the opposite of whatever I'm being told...even though it hurts me more than the person I'm blocking against. I'm trying to learn how to actually SAY "fuck off" instead of eating it. How is that a good thing? Well, duh. If I'm eating less because I don't want to eat, how could that POSSIBLY be a BAD thing? I mean, really. It's so logical when you think about it...but I've been doing this for years without realizing it. Hard habit to break.

Are there more voices? Yeah. But those don't bother me as much. And I have good sister-in-law coming over soon with my boogie bear, so if you want to learn about the other voices, read the book. I'll give you a hint, though...it has to do with false nutrition information that gets thrown at you from everywhere and becomes law in your mind.

Oh...and in other news, I'm getting a new kitchen! YAY! Reason: not so yay. When we put in the window unit air conditioner to help our central air not run as much, we didn't know there was a plug in the drain hole. And by "we," I mean DH. I had no part of the whole thing, other than making enough at the yard sale to buy it. And burning to a crisp. For the last 6 weeks, we have had a steady stream of water running under our sink. And in the wall. And mildew growing. So we will be replacing the cabinets soon. We got the new sink yesterday, since it was on sale at Ikea. I love Ikea. I want to move into one of those demo houses they have set up. But we got our sink and faucet yesterday (because our current one sucks, so we figure if we are redoing everything else, why not put in something that might actually be easy to use instead of a PITA)...on SALE even! WOOHOO! Now we just have to go back when we have the truck and get the cabinets and the counter top. Then, in another year or so, we will finish the rest of the kitchen cabinets. Because god forbid we start AND finish a project in without starting 4 more before we are done. Maybe once we start this one, we can finally tint that 3rd bedroom window. And finish the roof coating that is halfway done unevenly. BAER. OH! And maybe even the bathroom floor and sinks in there! Nah. Too much to ask for, right? The window tint would be a good start.

Highs and lows.

OK...after my breakdown the other day and knock-down drag-out with the hubby, I did infact buy a new bathing suit. It's cute, too...something you don't often find in a plus sized suit. Maroon v-neck, with some side rouching over the tummy. And I went to the gym twice already. Go me. Tomorrow they do water aerobics in the lap pool though, so I'll be skipping. That, and there is a booster blitz on Moola. But that is beside the point. I was already skipping anyway. And since I bought the bathing suit, I volunteered to give up my good coffee for a month. So no Starbucks or Dunkies for me. I've made it almost a week already. *insert shock here*

Anyway, aside from that, I've stayed fairly consistent with my eating. I did go a little overboard tonight, but not horribly so. And I think it's more indigestion than anything. I barely ate 1/4 of my meal, and I hadn't eaten since late this morning (I've been sleeping on and off, though) and I was really hungry. I have enough left over for probably 2 lunches. And it was GOOD. AND we even passed on desserts. Again, go me.

In other news, ummm...well, there isn't much going on right now. I had an interview on Thursday for a Sponsored Programs Specialist position in my office. I should hear this week. There is probably a 90% chance I will get it. If I don't, so be it. Though, it might be time to be looking for something else yet again. Some people are just driving me insane. And by some people, I mean 2. Two people are driving me insane. I know...not a far drive. But it's a scenic one. This new job would get them out of my direct line of supervision. Not much (if any) more money...just better conditions, transferability of skills, and promotion potential.

Oh...and I think all of the cats are using the new box finally. I saw Bandit in there yesterday. She was the hold out. I don't think she was going when I saw here as much as just checking things out, but it's still progress when she went in all on her own and stayed there and dug around. And you know, if I'm gonna continue to talk about randomness, I may need to rename this blog. It's less about IE somedays as just me ranting/raving/talking to my self.

And one last thing: here is how I spend my Saturday nights. Feel sorry for me. Please. And remember, I don't get paid to deal with the little hellians.

And it all ends so fast.

My marriage almost ended over 2 little words:


Bathing. Suit.


Yup. Yesterday started out great. Then, at some point, I got the BRILLIANT idea to go to the gym and swim laps. See, I think it's too hot out to do anything else (even in the air conditioning), so swimming is about all I want to do at this point. Plus, I like doing it.

I go home. I pull out BOTH of my bathing suits. Try on the bigger one that I haven't worn in longer...the top is "ok", but I've never really like the bottom that I picked out and now I just feel like a cow in it. And there is a gap between the 2...probably what gives the cow-like impression. Ok...fine. Lets go for the one piece instead of the tankini. I can get it on...but it does absolutely nothing for me...not to mention when we were in Disney last (that would be January...), we were going up steps at a water park and DH tells me that my bathing suit is sheer. It's black. Sheer is hard to accomplish. But I did. So now I'm already thinking about this when I try it on. Could I see anything? Eh...probably not, but there is no guarantee. And I'm SO big on the bottom, and so average sized on top. Ok...I'm really not average sized, butt his suit is made to minimize, so instead of pushing up the girls and flaunting them to distract from my huge ass, all it does is flatten and hide. Great.

So I tell the DH. His response: "Well, I guess that is your first goal." Which makes me cry more. Oh, did I not mention I started crying? Yeah. I did. And he proceeds to harp on the gym membership. Again. And I tell him that is NOT helping motivate me, and all it is doing is making me NOT go out of spite (FYI: this is IE...both parts of it...see? I can stay on topic.) So he gets pissy at me for telling him he isn't helping. HUGE fight which included not just THINKING about taking the cat and leaving (yes...the cat is coming with me. I don't care what Mike says. He can have the 2 little ones. I'm taking Fatboy.) but actually TELLING him that I wasn't sure about "us." It went THAT far. I cried more. In fact, my eyes are still puffy and I still have a headache over 12 hours later I cried so much.

We finally agreed that he would read IE so that he at least understands what I'm trying to do and what the process is. He can't help if he doesn't get the concept. He said he got through a little of it last night. Didn't really comment on what he had read, but I was in a hurry this morning.

So...out of all of that, there was at least a success here. I DID NOT turn to food at all. Ok...so I probably had a failure in that I ate very little last night out pissed-offedness. Don't argue about my weight, then expect me to eat that chef salad that you put a pound of meat and cheese on and dumped a shitload of dressing onto...all without asking if I even WANTED to eat now. Yes, i was hungry. I did FINALLY eat at least some of it...but that part was far from a success. It was the OPPOSITE of what IE says about "forget-you-eating"...the eating would have made him happy, so I wasn't, even if I both needed and wanted to. But the success was the fact that I didn't skip the salad and then go for sweets.

Oh. And whether he likes it or not, I'm buying a bathing suit tonight. And maybe a towel. And going to swim. Because I want to and like I said, it's too damn hot to do anything else around here. And at least I don't need to put gas in my car today (after a $60 fill up this morning...), which was another part of what has been stopping me, but I at least realize that is an excuse. "Unnecessary driving" doesn't really include the gym...if I had my scooter, I'd probably come up with some other excuse. I realize this.

So for now, my marriage is safe and sound. But if I get ONE MORE snide comment, I really am taking the cat and leaving. Though, DH did say there would be a long custody battle for him. I'd win though. He's my baby and he knows it. Spoiled brat.

Keep on rockin' in the free world...

Ok, I have absolutely no idea why I called this post what I did. Except that I have been rockin' with IE lately, and I'm feeling really cute today (still rockin' my new shoes from last week), and...well, there are no more "ands." But isn't that ENOUGH? I mean, self-esteem is up, weight is down (oh, yes. I am down 5 pounds as of the other day. But more on this in a minute). What more could I ask for??

So...first, because it's shorter and easier...I look damn cute today. I'm not wearing anything out of the ordinary. Black slacks, my new shoes (described previously, I won't put you through it again), and a blue 3/4 sleeve teeshirt with an interesting neckline (kind of a combo between a sweeheart and a queen anne...and yes, I had to look those up). As usual, my hair is in a pony tail, and I have no makeup on. Doesn't matter. I'm adorable.

Now, for the longer stuff. I have been kicking ass and taking names lately with paying attention to my eating. So many successes, I don't know if I can remember them all. I last posted on Wednesday. So lets see. I have:

-Consistently eaten what I WANTED to
-actually STOPPED eating when I was full (not over stuffed, though...not ONCE)
-Ive had internal conversations going (yes-that means I'm talking to myself. But silently. Only half crazy), and they have included things like "I should eat breakfast now. I don't want anyone to think I'm a pig. Wait. I'm not hungry right now. And who CARES what they think? They all eat breakfast there too. And if I'm not hungry now, why shouldn't I wait until I get to work, instead of while I'm driving. And my half a bagel and sausage sandwich is NOT that much anyway. And even if it was, it's none of their business." Ok...this actually went on for longer in my head. But the point was that I was telling myself that what other people think doesn't matter. And it doesn't. But the fact that I *knew* this was the impressive part.
-I did NOT stop for dinner after Teen Night. I usually want something to eat...but I thought about it and I wasn't hungry.
-Got on the scale and I was down 5 pounds. OK...so this actually isn't a good thing that I got on the scale. But in my defense, I was prepared for it to say the same thing...I really did not expect to have lost. And when I did, I realize that a big part of it is water weight from TOM ending. Which will be back in 3 weeks. (Ugh.) But it was nice to see that I wasn't quite so cow like this week. And maybe if I keep up the stuff I have been doing right (listening to my body...) in 3 weeks my starting number will be what it was now...and at the end of that other week, it will be down another 5. Ok...that's wishful thinking. And diet mentality. Kind of. I'm not purposely trying to lose. I am however trying to pay attention. Not even eat healthfully...as I sit here with cucumbers on my desk. Again, in my defense, I love me some cucumbers. Especially with seasoned salt (the shaker of which is right next to the bag of cucumbers). Or oil and vinegar...more vinegar than oil. YUM. But I digress. I'm not eating that to be healthy. I like it. Always have. Healthy is a bonus in this case.

I also just got an email about cake and ice cream for birthdays. Ugh. Honestly, I'm getting tired of that. We've done it 4 times in 2 weeks. And yet, I will probably get at least minor attitude when I say no thanks. Because usually, I don't like the kind of ice cream they get. And I'm odd...I like ice cream in the winter. I much prefer fruit based frozen stuff in the summer (Rita's, Dryers whole fruit bars, etc). I know. Weird. And half crazy. Or maybe this puts me to all crazy. Doesn't matter. Get over it.

On another note, Kate, I "pft" you. "Lill Eats." *sigh* Yes, I do. But that doesn't mean everyone needs to KNOW about it. Oh. Wait. I'm the one telling them, aren't I? Well, ok. Fine. Lill Eats it is. Maybe I should rename this page?

Oh...and to update on the $400 cat toilet...we stopped listening to the "Acclimation Guide" that came with it (which said to leave the old box set up and just not clean it and the cats would naturally use the new one). Yeah. That wasn't working and it was starting to stink. So we emptied and covered the old box (it's still there, but they can't get to it...we are going to clean it and keep it for emergencies), and I've been snuggling with Bandit, who is the only one that has "box anxiety"...I held her in the new one, and petted her until she calmed down, then when we were running the flush cycle, I picked her up and stood by it and petted her...and he seemed to calm down a little...and is evidently using it, because we have finally had poo in the box. BFT. So far, it works pretty well. Though the sanitizer smell isn't the best. Tolerable, but it smells like a hospital. So anyway...the life and times of me, right?

Because you know, it's all about me. Happy Bunny says so.

Another day, another dollar.

And some days, it feels like that's all I get. No appreciation at all.

I had training today on a new time sheet entry system. Serious waste of time, but I didn't ask to go...my boss sent me. The one woman I work with calls upstairs and asks where I am. Ruth tells her. Then she starts saying how I didn't send anything out yesterday and I didn't do this and I didn't do that. Well, Ruth tells her "she had about 20 or 30 envelopes when she came up here, so I know she did." And yes...nothing went out the day before. But instead of asking me WHY...which was because the mail guy came 45 minutes early for his last pickup of the day and I was still addressing envelopes...she just starts telling everyone I didn't do it. And, oh by the way, just because I sit down there the whole day now and applied for the Specialist job, I do not yet HAVE said job and I still report to someone else...which means I have other duties as well as the full time job I have been doing. Like web updates. That haven't been done. For over a month. Some of them I've had to make time for. Like when they ask me for the 3rd time if it's done yet. I figure at that point, it becomes a priority over copying, scanning, and filing. And I also report to someone else, known to be an asshole if things aren't done exactly as he wants them when he wants them. And I haven't done 2 of his reports in a month either. Or pulled a budget for him in 2 weeks. Or done HIS budget...which I have to present on Friday. She doesn't seem to get that I ALSO have to do all of this. And I know some of my expected future duties aren't getting done. But there is only so much time in the day.

So at one point she asks if she can do envelopes. It's like, 2:30. Mail is DONE for the day. He comes at 11 and 2 usually. So even if I got them done today, they aren't going out until 11am. I tell her no. She gets pissy with me. And I know I'm cranky, so I just keep working. I *did* get them done. They are still sitting on my desk. I refuse to take them upstairs until 10 tomorrow. That way whatever I'm given in the morning goes too. Someday, I may even have time to upload everything I've scanned in the last month. Maybe.

Ok...you are probably wondering at this point what this has to do with IE. Not a damn thing. I have nothing to say about IE today. I didn't read any of it. I had an ok day. I'm hungry now, and getting over hungry, but that's because DH is bringing dinner home with him. I did write a novel length email to someone describing the program a little and some things about me and successes and failures and such...but that might be a post for tomorrow. At least, an edited version of it. There are SOME things I keep to myself. Very few...but some.

And now my food is here. And since I JUST said I'm getting over hungry, I'm gonna go eat. Adios.

Better late than never, right?

Ok, so I said I was "back" in November. It's now June. BUT...I AM back now. Yup. Been at it about a week-ish. And I can tell you 2 very important things:

1) I have alot of work to do to get back to where I was a year ago when I did IE.

and

2) Just the fact that I'm trying, I'm already feeling better about myself. Odd how that works. Whoda thunk it, right? Make and effort to improve yourself, and you like yourself more.

Oh...and new shoes help. But I just got those today. Cute peeptoe wedgies. In honor of Kate. Because I'm pretty sure she will be one of 3 people reading this. Maybe 4.

So anyway...the IE thing. I'm reading the book. Again. For the 3rd time. Taking notes this time too (thank you Alyssa, for my fantabulous notebook that you gave me for xmas...it's perfect, and quite appropriate :o) ). I really want to keep up with my progress this time. Progress. Not perfection. That's all I'm looking for.

I'm up to chapter 7...which means I've covered why dieting isn't good for you mentally and physically (As soon as something is prohibited, it is elevated to an overvalued level of specialness, and your body doesn't know that the semi-starvation is self imposed...it just thinks you are starving and compensates), what type of eater I am (all types of the "Unconscious Eater"...I don't even realize I'm doing it half the time), how to reject the diet mentality (see how dieting is bad...and get rid of the scale!) how to honor my hunger (and listen to my body as to when I'm hungry/sated), and finally how to make peace with food (UNCONDITIONAL permission to eat anything I want...more on this later...I'm only halfway through the chapter).

So that's it so far. I've found that when I pay attention to my body, I normally stop before I'm STUFFED...but I am comfortably full. And by eating what I want, I'm not chasing after certain "tastes"...when I would eat 15 things instead of just the 1 that I wanted. I have not yet gotten to the healthy food craving stage. I remember that one from last time...but I'm not there. I will be. I'm also not ready to exercise again yet...much to DH's dismay at the $35 we spend on my gym membership every month. But I do WANT to swim...and the gym has a pool. But I need a bathing suit. My current one is too small. :o( But I don't want to buy one. The shoes made me feel good...that would wreck all the progress I've made in the last week. Which is huge for me. So I put it off.

In other news...well, there isn't really any. I'm boring. Oh...except we got our $400 cat box. They have yet to use it. We still have the old one set up next to it. Hopefully, they take to the new one. Otherwise, I think that would be justifiable murder. Right?

It's time for bed. Welcome back.