Too good at dieting.

Ok, that's probably a bit of an overstatement, because obviously, if I was too good, I wouldn't need to do it anymore.

What I mean is, I'm too good at cutting out calories, but NOT good at balancing my diet. For example, my current target is 1800-2000 calories a day, and 45-60 grams of fat. Considering I'm almost 100 pounds overweight, and have a deskjob, and don't exercise, this is the target for now according to my plan. I've been tracking my eating for 3 days now and here's how wonderfully I've been doing:

Sunday: 1415 calories, 53 g fat
Monday: 1722 calories, 62 g fat
Today: 1476 calories, 55 g fat

I'm also trying to keep it to 19g or less of fat per meal. I do fine on that at breakfast (7, 13, and 8), and lunch (4, 16, 11), but dinner is a challenge so far. I'm at 42 (kielbasa--but in my defense, when we chose it, I hadn't started counting yet), 24 (Tombstone Pizza) and 32 (Quick-Fix Beef and Rice) for the week. I really need to get this under control. :o( And increase my calories overall, without increasing fat. This is actually hard for me, in some ways.

I remember in my WW days, I would get home from work at 9, and tell my aunt "I have 15 points I have to eat." My point minimum was 25, I think. Mind you...that was the MINIMUM of a 5 point range (excluding fat, 5 points=250 calories).

I know all about the fact that if you don't eat enough, your body goes into starvation mode. I do. But I'm too good at cutting in some areas. Mind you, I've eaten today. See? (Hopefully this link keeps today's date). It's not like I'm not having anything. It's just not enough.

Guess I get to add orange juice back into my life for awhile. That's a great calorie add with no fat for when I'm not really hungry. Too bad I cut it out 6 years ago, so now I feel guilty drinking it!

Must. Get. Over. Food. Guilt.

I love my DH.

Really, he has his flaws, but he's great sometimes.

He read my blog yesterday (well, I sent it to him and there was a quiz...so he had to. *wink*), so he knew I was stressing my weight again. Well, this morning I started considering gastric band surgery (again). I told him that, and it made him sad. I asked why...he said my situation made him feel like a failure and that he wasn't supportive. I told him he's not a failure, but he's also not supportive at times. (Note: I'm not upset about this...I've realized that is him, and I can't fix that...it's for me to deal with). That made me cry. I felt bad for making HIM feel bad.

The first thing he did was email a friend of his who had the band surgery for her experience. She said she has lost about 40 pounds, but wasn't really impressed with it. And I can't say I blame her. The cost is from $15,000 to $30,000...and for that much, I think I would want to lose more than 40 pounds! So now I'm thinking about trying Alli. In fact, I've been thinking about it for a long time. I've pretty well decided I'm GOING to try it. As soon as I can get my stupid coupon to print...

After we talked about the band surgery, we talked some more, and I have a veggie garden growing, but I just started it a few weeks ago...so no veggies yet. DH said he wants to start juicing again (veggie juice, that is), and we can do more fresh stuff (we do mostly frozen for convenience sake). AND...I about fell on the floor for this one...if I get Mayfield milk, he'll drink skim!!!

So I'm off to the store tonight after work (was going anyway...missed a few awesome coupons at Kroger when we went on Sunday). I'm getting some cucumbers, tomatoes, red onions, whole grain bread and LF provolone, and we are having veggie sammiches. NOM! Might use some pam or ICBINB spray and have a grilled one for myself. Maybe with some honey mustard...

I'm also stopping at Walmart to get the rest of the stuff I need to finish my garden (planting "troughs" for lack of a better word...and topsoil). Need to get everything else started. As it is, I can't believe I have only killed a little bit when I tried to move them to bigger pots!

I'm so proud of him. I'm *hoping* that this time, we can stick with this a little longer. We've been through it before...but this time I actually grocery shop regularly...which is new. I don't want miracles at this point. I just want to be back where I was when we met (~190) so my clothes will fit again.

Miss me?

Been awhile since I posted anything, so I thought it was time. Here's the quick and dirty to get you up to date:

-House is great. Living room is completely done, save for hanging some pictures that we can't decide where to put them. Dining room is still empty (actually, this is a new development, as it had boxes in it that needed to be unpacked). Bedroom is still unpainted. Kitchen is still half painted. But we have everything out of the trailer...and most of it is in the garage, though...but it's not so much we can't get the cars in there, so it's all good.

-Went to Disney again for our anniversary. Ate our way though the hotels and skipped the parks this time. Food was great. Highly recommend Jiko at the Animal Kingdom Lodge. I'd pass on Yachtsman, though. Food was good, but the atmosphere sucked. We are going back in September next.

-Weather has been nice, so we have been doing lots of scootering. There was one Sunday between errands and joy-riding, I put 100 miles on the bike. Hoping for some nice weather this weekend too (I think rain is in the forecast) so we can do a longer day trip on Sunday. I want to start building up and maybe take the bikes in Sept. But we have to work up to that long of a trip! And buy raingear.

-Still haven't sold the damn trailer. Thought we had it gone, and the girl had a warrant out on her. *eye roll* I'm so close to saying "Fuck it" and just turning it over. I'm tired of paying lot rent for something we aren't using at all. It's a drain.

-Still couponing. I actually set up a second blog about it. Haven't updated that, either, though. I suck.

-Work is ok, but has been HUGELY busy prepping for our software change coming up on 7/1. Lots of data conversion to make sure we are only bringing the good stuff over...plus we had about 50 stimulus grants come through our office at least 1 has been awarded that I know of...WOOHOO!).

Ok...so, now for the general train of thought stuff:

I'm fat again. No, really. I am. And I think I'm tired of it again, too. Well, I *know* I'm tired of my clothes not fitting. But I just don't know how to get back into "diet mindset". Last time, I had my aunt that I lived with...and she was willing to do ANYTHING to help me (I think we ate frozen Lean Cuisines about 3-4 nights a week, and when we DID cook, she let me pick stuff, because she was ok with losing a few pounds as well). But now, I can't make DH do that. 1) I know he wouldn't. 2) It obviously didn't lead to long term success. If it did, I wouldn't be worried about it now.

So, what can I do? We have at least started eating at home more often than we were. For awhile we were doing REALLY well about it. And I still bring my lunches...usually either leftovers or frozen meals (not always low fat ones, but most of the time). I know my coffee is adding calories and fat...but I'm not willing to cut that out. Sorry, caffeine is more important. I have started doing iced coffees at home on a semi-regular basis, though...and those aren't bad. 1 cup of milk and some SF flavored syrup. If only I could get DH to go for Skim milk instead of 2%. I might have to compromise at 1% (though, the 2% already was a compromise)...or just start buying 2 gallons. But I don't know that I will drink THAT much before it goes bad.

Anyway...I debate going back to WW. But there are a few downsides: 1) To do points, I'd have to pay again, and I really don't want to. 2) I came across an old printed out Core list, which I guess I could use, but I know they have changed that as well, so for best results, I'd have to pay to get that updated, too. 3) I'm not sure I'm ready to replace my coupon obsession with a points/food obsession. Or even add another obsession to the mix. I drove DH nuts last time, because I have to count every little thing, and it's time consuming, and obnoxious if you aren't a participant. And it becomes life-encompassing. It would be all I would think about. I know this. I've been down that road. And yes, WW does work, if you work it. That isn't an issue. Though, at present, I'm in a "Results, NOW" kinda mood...which isn't a good place to start. I do realize this.

So, then there is the original focus of this blog...IE. Downsides: 1) Must learn self-control. 2) Must remember I DO NOT HAVE TO CLEAR MY PLATE. Why is this all caps, you ask? DH has a tendency when he cooks, to plate everything and serve it. I guess it's habit from when he was a chef. And he doesn't measure out "portion sizes". He splits what he makes in half most of the time...and it's way more than I SHOULD be eating. But I was raised in a "clean plate" house, which is very hard to get past, and I'm usually very hungry...or at least think I am...so I eat everything he dishes out. And I should also mention, while he has gotten better, he is still anti-LF/NF on almost everything. There are some things he will do now that he wouldn't before...so there is progress. Anyway...I've gotten off track. This is about doing IE. There really aren't more downsides, except I might gain a little more before I start to lose. There are MANY advantages to it...like when we go back to Disney, I won't have to "blow it" for the weekend to enjoy myself. And I have I mentioned there is 1 IE victory without even really trying: since couponing, I have had ice cream in the house for well over a MONTH...the SAME CARTON of ice cream...and I really only have some occasionally.

Ok. So, what does this mean? I think I need to find my IE book. Or suck it up and pay for WW again. All this debating and I haven't decided anything. But SOMETHING needs to change. I do know my first goal: to have my work pants allow me to breathe comfortably. I guess this is about 10 pounds. I hope that's all it is, or I'm in more denial than I thought.